My Favourite One Liners

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Perfect Dad Jokes

I want to dedicate tonight to my father who was a roofer, “so Dad if you’re up there”

Why does a Frisbee get bigger the closer it gets to you, “And then it hit me”

Did I already do my deja vu joke?

I have a girlfriend, I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for……sex

My girlfriend says I’m afraid of commitment. …well she’s not my girlfriend.

I like what mechanics wear….overall

People call me a hypercondriac….which really hurts.

I quit my job in the helium gas factory…. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Irony that’s one thing we get in the UK
Irony Sharon Osborne judges talent
Irony there’s a paper in Britain called the sun

My father was a man of few words I remember him saying to me son…..

I was going to join the debating team but someone talk me out of it.

I want to write a mystery novel…or do I
I have written a novel… or have I
I won’t do it again…. or will I

My therapist says I’ve a preoccupation with vengeance. . We’ll see about that

I watch Richard and Judy. .. I have a lot of respect for Richard, I couldn’t work with my mother.

We’re too good for knock knock jokes, but sometimes nothing beats a great one liner. I guarantee you, at least one of these will make you laugh. If you’re a dad looking to restock on new material or someone just looking for some cheering up these one liners will see you through. This list is populated from the best one-liners from a Reddit thread.

1. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

2. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

3. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off

4. My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

5. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?About half way.

6. A man in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard..

7. I, for one, like Roman numerals.

8. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

9. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

10. There is no “i” in denial

11. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

12. You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

13. What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

14. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

15. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.

16. I didn’t believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there.

17. And The Lord said come forth and receive eternal life. But john came fifth and won a toaster.

18. I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

19. Why are deer nuts better than beer nuts? Beer nuts cost $1.50 but deer nuts are under a buck.

20. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, the rooster did