My Favourite One Liners

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Perfect Dad Jokes

I want to dedicate tonight to my father who was a roofer, “so Dad if you’re up there”

Why does a Frisbee get bigger the closer it gets to you, “And then it hit me”

Did I already do my deja vu joke?

I have a girlfriend, I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for……sex

My girlfriend says I’m afraid of commitment. …well she’s not my girlfriend.

I like what mechanics wear….overall

People call me a hypercondriac….which really hurts.

I quit my job in the helium gas factory…. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Irony that’s one thing we get in the UK
Irony Sharon Osborne judges talent
Irony there’s a paper in Britain called the sun

My father was a man of few words I remember him saying to me son…..

I was going to join the debating team but someone talk me out of it.

I want to write a mystery novel…or do I
I have written a novel… or have I
I won’t do it again…. or will I

My therapist says I’ve a preoccupation with vengeance. . We’ll see about that

I watch Richard and Judy. .. I have a lot of respect for Richard, I couldn’t work with my mother.

We’re too good for knock knock jokes, but sometimes nothing beats a great one liner. I guarantee you, at least one of these will make you laugh. If you’re a dad looking to restock on new material or someone just looking for some cheering up these one liners will see you through. This list is populated from the best one-liners from a Reddit thread.

1. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

2. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

3. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off

4. My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

5. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?About half way.

6. A man in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard..

7. I, for one, like Roman numerals.

8. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

9. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

10. There is no “i” in denial

11. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

12. You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

13. What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

14. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

15. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.

16. I didn’t believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there.

17. And The Lord said come forth and receive eternal life. But john came fifth and won a toaster.

18. I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

19. Why are deer nuts better than beer nuts? Beer nuts cost $1.50 but deer nuts are under a buck.

20. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, the rooster did

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About John Holt

John Holt has worked in the travel industry for over 14 years and comes highly recommended by Trip Advisor for his practical and candid talks on travel destinations. Spending 18 months as a "Local Interest Specialist" for a leading tour operator John has become known as having more practical information than Google.

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